my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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