i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
