i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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