sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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