Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
