Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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