Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
