i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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