i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
