Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
