i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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