just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
