It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
