you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
