I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize