yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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