also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
