I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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