I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize