Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Still dying that you shit outside
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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