imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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