You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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