Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
