before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's shark week go big or go home
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
