i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
