When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize