If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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