Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
