I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
