Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
