I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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