you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
