I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
