hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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