how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize