you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
