saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
