I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
