I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
