yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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