well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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