if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
MIDGETS
????
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
