So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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