Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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