Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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