At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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