The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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