cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Two words: blizzard sex
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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