it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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