just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
