while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
