I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Your cock deserves a montage
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Drake has all the answers
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize