Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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