I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
