Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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