On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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