So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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