also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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