I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
