Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
