Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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