My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
