just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have aggressive nipples.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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