turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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