My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
