How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
